Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse