Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

is it too early for christmas memes