My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.