She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻‍♀️
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.