playing pool? you mean swimming?
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever