“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
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My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult