R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
My recliner and I go way back
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd