I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
dude it’s called proctologist
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
biblically accurate fire hydrant
