I need to know what happened here in 1620.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.