A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Ron is short for Aaronald
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.