me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Science memes
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?