Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
me logging onto twitter
