Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.