[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
haha same
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
They’re called werewolves.