Hey i am sexy to you now
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
