*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
😲 WTF? 😆
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.