Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
49+ Tweets in Collection50 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
“Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack” Raising children can be a wild adventure. The brains of those irrational, madcap hooligans work in mysterious ways and there is no telling what they are up to next. So, what is […]
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!