Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
6: are snakes just neck?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec