I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Respect
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!