I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What’s a Messi?