Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.