Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
old twitter is back baby
