[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
groan^2
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?