Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
🖤✌🏽
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.