Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.