The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
🥶🥶🐶🐶
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before