“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Meow
See..?
.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Fries, not lies.
black phone good
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
This guy’s not having it 😆