Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
🙂🙃🥹
i will avenge u mr van gogh
i will avenge u mr van gogh
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board