boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”