I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that