Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
one of
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog