She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Going to church you guys need anything
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”