candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
No, I don’t think I will.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.