“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING