(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.