THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I love you…
…r dog.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Somewhere in an alternate universe
