[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again