We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Coffee is ready.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send