After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
i now pronounce you bounced.
