me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
This could’ve been an email.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Livid.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.