To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
OKAY DAD
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory