i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.