When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
How wrong was this guy?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
figuring out my emotional availability:
