forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants