I bet birds love this building.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A ghost story
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire