Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Still cracks me up
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up