No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
not to brag, but mine was free
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.