Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Midwest trash talk
Journalists stuck in 1970鈥檚 Belfast absolutely hating it
Netflix: Let鈥檚 charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*rushing into work*
sorry i鈥檓 late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
buys donuts instead
These dogs look like they have good credit.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30鈥檚
That’s what I call a flat tire
[putting away groceries]
I鈥檓 really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago