my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it鈥檚 a bird! it鈥檚 a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That鈥檚 it.
Everyone left screaming.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
鈥淜ids grow up so fast鈥漼eah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: Time for bed, son. I don鈥檛 make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
There鈥檚 a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.