I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..