MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?