Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
No. YOU-buprofen.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”